i dunno wad to say about myself.. am i becoming a mean person? quite traumatised by a series of events today. im becoming a monster, not knowing when it started. quite early to have a mid life crisis now but im lost. im not sure whether i truly know myself. all the big talk about being mature but i was like a spoilt child today. irritating the hell of out a peer younger than me in a very childish way. so did i win? for maybe like 2 secs but no. i almost immediately regretted after the words came outta my mouth. i don't do profanity but i didnt know i can be so mean. felt so bad. was still trying to be defensive but yes, i shouldnt have said those things.

was given my own medicine later on during choir, the 3 sopranos were grilled like squids on the charcoal grill. nobody knew we were singing wrong during the sectionals cos everyone sounded correct. we were singled out and during the grilling i felt so embaressed, standing there, cos everyone was waiting and the notes we sang just sounded so wrong. pple around were shaking their heads. i felt myself burning. tears just came to eyes, tried to contain it but couldnt. was on the verge of grabbing my bag n just leaving the hall. this reminded me of the time i was in kindergarten & i took drawing lessons at the CC nearby church, i was laughed at by the kids ard me and i had the same i give up attitude.. they laughed cos the pear that i was coloring was pink in color.

i've been reflecting, some sort, of my attitude towards my service. 一团糟. during choir, i seem even more playful than my younger peers.. i chit chat, playing with the girls, not at all serious. is this the behavior of a 25 year old? all the talk abt maturity maybe i'm one stuck at 17. so what is my attitude towards choir? do i know im serving the Lord? where's the fear for the Lord? im not putting in my best.. i'm not improving.. so i better not sing anymore cos i don't wanna affect my section, i can't get my notes! the team is better w/o me. =/ i think for now, i have to seriously correct my attitude. easier said than done for a lazy bum like me.

so demoralised today.