a strange moment in time

let me show you a picture of Empress Ci Xi's shoes. i got this picture off from wikipedia, anyone who's reading this, if u know im infringing on some copyright, please let me know and i'll take it down.

these shoes are 6 inches high, nope its not a platform to display the shoes, but she actually walked in it. read some stuff about her from wikipedia. after watching forbidden city, was kinda intrigued by her life and wanted to read up about her.. & i was also doing my assignment @ the same time.. =P well, many have depicted her as this cruel, horrific Dragon Lady but Katherine Carl spent a few months with Empress Ci Xi painting her portrait, she wrote a book about her as well. hui-ge wanted to help me borrow it but i figure i wouldn't have the time to read lo.

tomorrow im gng to do my MRI scan. honestly im quite scared cos i've never done it before and its rather scary being in the big space ship looking thing.. nvr thot i'll need to do this kinda thing.. im thinking it's not worth it.. going agst God's will is not worth it at all.. what im gng thru now it's scary.. nvr thot that such an emotional upheaval in my life can inadvertently create this physical weakness that i have now. if i knew, i wouldnt have done it. i wouldn't have gone into the r/ship and make God upset. this sounds so cliche.. then why am i still so nonchalent abt it? why do i even feel a lil numb to it? why am i not praying as often as i used to? why have i even grown used to this floaty feeling? i want to be well. i want to be 100% well. it's very very frustrating. it feels like i've got no one to turn to. i feel lost. is someone gng to read my post and say that they are disappointed that im still like that? its not my choice u know.. i just feel that it'll be much better and easier for me if im not feeling unwell. i wonder how off is my internal balance and what's the cause of it and why do i suddenly have it.. this is all very strange.. one moment talking abt Ci Xi and the next moment ranting.. *sob